


promise to make it hurt less. please.

by Geny614



Series: a promise kept under the stars [3]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Hyunjin centric, Hyunjin is whipped, Is this a kissing book?, M/M, Slow Burn, but chan is hurting too, chan is whipped, chan/hyunjin, he just wants his hyung, he needs comfort from everyone's favorite online therapist, hyunjin sad babie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:01:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27324667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Geny614/pseuds/Geny614
Summary: hyunjin needs his hyung. it just hurts too much.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Hwang Hyunjin
Series: a promise kept under the stars [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1864093
Comments: 4
Kudos: 138





	promise to make it hurt less. please.

**Author's Note:**

> i felt emo.

_Stop mumbling. Stop slurring your words._

_With a face like that you’re better off as an actor._

_You’re not pulling your weight._

_You’ll be nothing without me._

_I don’t know why Chan picked you._

_He must’ve made a mistake you don’t deserve to be here._

The voices come together as one and Hyunjin knows it to be his own after so long. One would think these comments would no longer affect him. He’s worked so hard to prove all of them wrong including himself when he felt as though he couldn’t do more—be more. He did that.

Yet, with all that has come to light those words remerge with a distorted voice. The voice that merges with his own and hundreds of others whose words sink into him like dulled claws. Their bite does not sting less but it requires more pressure to cut into him and drag him down under. While he could fight to tear away from them, and he has time and time again. Sometimes it so much easier to just drown under those voices.

There is only one thing that’ll keep him above the surface—one thing that shines to him like the lighthouse in the storm inside of him—Chan. He knows he shouldn’t always go to Chan every time he feels down but—

But.

“Come in.”

Chan’s voice is muffled through the door. Hyunjin’s fist still rests against it because its shaking so hard he can’t stand to see it. His breath is hallow with every short intake. He forces his other hand to take hold of the doorknob and squeeze it as he turns it open in hopes to quell the tremble.

“Hey, Hyunjin.” Chan doesn’t even need to turn around to know its him and that’s enough to shatter whatever feeble wall Hyunjin had managed to keep up from his walk between his vocal lessons and Chan’s room.

To be known so well makes it impossible to hold up any front sometimes especially when the person who knows you is Chan.

It only takes a whimper from Hyunjin and Chan is up from his chair.

“Hey whats wrong?”

Chan’s arm holds him up while his frame feels as though it’ll fall to pieces on the floor. His hyung’s hands feel so warm against his cold skin where he’s sweat through from the dance practice he had just come from. When he remembers how terrible the practice had gone, he feels another sob wreck through his chest, and he comes tumbling down into Chan.

His hyung’s hands had always felt reliable, Hyunjin knows these hands almost as well as his own. Long fingers callused from tireless work but still gentle enough to hold any of the member’s hands when they need it most. These hands are ones who guide the team and have kept them to the path of light this entire time even while others meant to shadow over them.

Hyunjin trust those hands before his very own.

Those warm gentle hands grip Hyunjin tight to Chan so he doesn’t fold in on himself.

“Hey, it’s okay I got you baby.”

Chan’s voice is a soft croon. It’s like warm water over Hyunjin’s raw wounds. It pulls a smothered sob from Hyunjin but its okay because he knows Chan won’t judge him for crying so hard or loud. Chan won’t reprehend him for being human. Chan will hold him until he can stand on his own again. Hyunjin knows this and so he cries into his hyung’s shoulder.

Hyunjin doesn’t remember when Chan first began to call him baby in these vulnerable moments. All Hyunjin knows is that when Chan does it makes him feel so small and comforted. He feels as though he’s protected and loved.

A choked cy comes from Hyunjin and he hides his face against Chan’s neck. These walls collect the unrestrained sounds and tuck them away so nothing beyond them will ever know of them. Chan’s hand rubs as Hyunjin’s back gently.

“It’s alright baby. You’re safe.” He murmurs oh so softly. Hyunjin can’t stop—he doesn’t want to.

He just wants to be held.

He wants to be held by Chan.

So, he remains in Chan’s arms for a while—at one-point Chan had pulls him over to his chair. Chan didn’t try to pull him away to sit him one of the other chairs he simply sat the crying boy on his lap. His hand comes up and tucks Hyunjin’s head into the crook of his shoulder. Those long-calloused fingers run through his blond locks soothingly as he hums by Hyunjin’s ear. The song isn’t something he recognizes but Chan’s sweet melody is everything to him. It’s feather light but grounds him to the moment. Hyunjin’s sobs had begun to quiet down—he shuddered and sniffled with a whimper or two still plucking away at his raw throat.

“Do you want some water baby?” Chan asks once Hyunjin’s crying is just shaky breaths and a sniffle. Hyunjin nods his head a little. His hyung reaches out and grabs a water bottle that sat on the desk. It was still cool to the touch. Chan opens it for Hyunjin and holds it to his lips. Hyunjin tries to hold it but his hands were still shaking so his hyung tips it forward and let the water carefully spill into his mouth.

It was ridiculous that he couldn’t even hold up a bottle of water for himself. Chan doesn’t say anything about it he only murmurs soft praises as Hyunjin took big sips of water _. Good job Hyunie. Keep drinking. That’s a good boy_. The praises caress his skin and leave it flush bringing life back to him. The water soothes his irritated throat and clear his head that felt so tight with pressure.

“There, are you feeling better love?” Chan asks softly once Hyunjin drank enough water. He nods and rubs at his mouth and then at his tear streaked cheeks, but Chan takes hold of his hands. He sets them back down on Hyunjin’s lap and tenderly wipes at his at any stray tears.

“Do you want to tell me whats wrong?” the question Hyunjin had wanted to avoid came. He knows he was going to have tell his hyung what was wrong. There was no way he could pretend like he didn’t just break down in Chan’s studio and clung to him like a life preserver. Even if he hadn’t broken down like that, he couldn’t lie to Chan. There was no hiding when it came to Chan. He had these eyes that always saw right through whether you wanted them to or not.

He didn’t want to lie to him.

Hyunjin’s breath still trembles as he exhales heavily.

“It just hurts.” Hyunjin’s voice was raw. The words come out in a whisper and still the weight of their admission is enough to make all the pieces of Hyunjin that remained from his crying crumble.

His shoulders slump in defeat as he feels the voices in his head rise.

_You don’t belong here._

_Not here with him._

_Not in his arms._

They chorus together _._

“What hurts Hyunjin?” Chan’s voice takes an edge—he’s worried of course by now he couldn’t hide it. Not with how pained Hyunjin looked on his lap. Not after how loud he cried.

Not when he still holds pieces of Hyunjin in his hands that haven’t been put back in yet.

Hyunjin brings his finger to his forehead and taps at it dully. The ache he felt there was nothing compared to how his chest crushed the breath out of him.

“Your head?” Chan asks with confusion hinting his tone. He frowns at Hyunjin because he knows there’s more to all of this than just a headache or even migraine.

“They won’t stop…the voices…and the thoughts…all of the things people say about me—the things I say to myself. You’re not good enough. You’re just a pretty face. Why haven’t you gotten better at rapping? Stop mumbling! Just get it right! Just…just get it right.” Hyunjin’s voice grows sharper and more pitches until it cracked. Chan sees it in his face, and he feels his own heart crack with a pain that he knew far too well.

New tears gather in Hyunjin’s eyes. There were no more sobs that wrecked through him. He could sob his heart out a hundred more times and that pain would still be there waiting for him once those tears dried.

“It…It never has stopped even after all this time. After trying so hard. They still hurt. Will they ever not hurt?” Hyunjin asks and the desperation in his eyes—the search for salvation—hope—anything is what nearly breaks Chan.

That fear that no matter how many songs he writes, how many hours he puts into his work, how many nights he goes without sleep—he won’t be good enough to guide these boys. He stares at Hyunjin’s teary eyes—the way his red full lips wobble and his breath still isn’t even with the labor of all the crying. How is he to heal this pained boy when he himself has missing pieces?

It feels like now more than ever he can’t get things right. But he can’t let Hyunjin know how bad it is—how much he himself is hurting every day.

He’s the one who heals.

He’s everyone’s safe space.

He’s the protector.

“Yes. Yes, it does Hyunjin. It gets better” -- _It has to because if it doesn’t then none of what we’ve worked for means anything._ Chan bites his tongue and keeps the thought to himself. He can’t hurt Hyunjin more with his own cynicism. He needs to give Hyunjin hope.

Hope he feels as though is a currency he’s gone bankrupt in for a long time.

“Promise? Promise me it’ll hurt less. Even just a little bit. Please hyung.” Hyunjin’s hand grips Chan’s shirt tightly and he holds his gaze. It’s such selfish request he knows. To beg his hyung to for this fabricated reassurance he knows neither of them will receive anytime soon.

This is the world they live in. It hurts. It always does.

But if it can hurt even just a little less—well then that’s enough for Hyunjin.

“I promise Hyunjin. I’ll make it hurt less.”

Hyunjin’s gaze holds steady—he can’t look away from Chan.

No, he doesn’t think he’ll ever look away from this man. This man who heals other’s hearts with the jaded pieces of his own.

“Can I stay here?” Hyunjin asks and Chan’s lips quiver before they slowly bloom into a small smile. It’s a fragile smile he knows his hyung is holding himself together by mere threads. He can’t—he doesn’t want to leave him alone. He doesn’t want to be alone.

“Of course, you can baby.”

The ache is still there.

It’s just quieter now in Chan’s arms. Hyunjin can take that. The pain remains but the voices are lowered to a white noise so far away he can pretend to forget for just night in Chan’s studio.

All while he remains in Chan’s strong arms. Neither of them gets up from the chair as if they do then the peace, they’ve created out of this moment will shatter. Hyunjin remain curled up in Chan’s lap. Even if he’s too tall he makes himself small against Chan’s broad chest. Should he hate how much he loves it? Does he? Hyunjin doesn’t have the will to bare an answer tonight. All he knows that in these arms he’s safe. In these arms he doesn’t have to feel pain. In these arms he’s okay. He is protected. He is loved.

He loves.

He loves.

Hyunjin hushes those voices in favor of a song.

The song is the gentle harmony of Chan’s breath and heartbeat. How Chan’s breath tickles Hyunjin’s neck and Chan’s heartbeat keeps him afloat in the wreckage from an hour ago. In this state he dreams.

He dreams of being in Chan’s arms the next morning.

**Author's Note:**

> lets all be emo.


End file.
